March 28th will always be a significant day for me and one I’ll remember for life. It should have been the birthday of our sweet angel baby – K2. Reposting a post I wrote in 2015…
“A week ago was supposed to be one of the best days of our lives. CT and I had planned to announce to the world that we were expecting Baby #2 and that Kingston was going to be a big brother come March 28th.
As CT wrote on FB:
Well, we were going to post this awesome picture yesterday to announce the great news that we were expecting our second baby, but instead we have horrible news. Yesterday we went to the doctor for a check-up on the baby and to see the heartbeat, but to our dismay, there was no heartbeat. It goes without saying, we are heartbroken and totally crushed. We know our baby is in Heaven with plenty of loving family members to hang out with. I don’t know why God does the things he does in my life, and it’s dumb to waste my time stressing over it, because I know He does everything for good reasons I can’t fathom. Tiffany is the strongest woman I know and I couldn’t ask for a better mother to Kingston and my future children. Seeing how courageous she has been in everything she has had to go through the last 2 days makes me proud to be her husband. It’s hard not to bust out and cry over every baby we see or anything that reminds us of a baby, so we really appreciate your prayers for healing and understanding, and the kind words you have given us. We just ask that you please continue to pray for us.”
Deep down I just knew. It was too easy this time. It took 2 years to get pregnant with Kingston and 2 weeks to get pregnant with this baby. It never totally sunk in and it never really felt real. I kept saying “I’m so nervous. I so badly just want to see a heartbeat and a growing baby.” Last minute I made CT get a sub for the afternoon because I had a feeling our appointment would take longer than his lunch break. Looking back, I think the Holy Spirit was slowly preparing me for the heartbreaking news we were about to get.
But mostly, I felt guilty. Guilty because I didn’t pray over this baby or pregnancy anything like I did with Kingston’s.
I also felt thankful. Thankful because I know the Lord spared CT and me from greater heartbreak down the line.
Laura Story’s song Blessings has been playing in my head non-stop these past few days:
What if your healing comes through tears.
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near.
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise.”
I know we will get to experience pregnancy again soon, I just hope I never have to experience this experience again.